Epiphany

I am sitting here on this cold blustery day contemplating what it is I want to be when I grow up.  I do this a lot.  Hayden will start pre-k in the fall and that will leave me with a bunch of time on my hands.  I need to figure out what I want to do with that time.  I have to admit that I have been pondering this question even before I had children.  I guess I've never really pictured myself being good at anything.  I just live, I suppose, without a purpose or meaning.

My children gave me great purpose and fulfillment that I don't think I could have captured as completely with a career.  I am pretty good at it and I'm very proud of my great kids.  They are my greatest and most precious part of my life along with their supportive and strong father.  I am blessed to say the least.  I am not blind to my own strengths and talents; however, outside of being a mother.

I come back to the same set of qualities and talents that I seem to have possessed since I was young.  Art, writing, and my tender heart.  I may not be a genius in these areas but it's all I know.  It's all I've ever been really good at.  I've leaned on my talents ever since I could remember and because of my tender heart it was my saviour.  It is who I am and I have continually turned my back and neglected this part of myself over and over again.  I have rejected and abandoned myself over and over again. 

Who would I be without my art and my poems and writings?  I don't know but at this time in my life I shudder at the thought of it.  I am once again embracing these talents; though, this certainly isn't the first time I've recognized that I am truly an artist.  I can't imagine being anything else.  No matter how hard I try to be something else I always come back, for the first time in my life I am actually feeling like I'm home but with one very strong difference.  I must stay true to myself this time around.

I am ever trying to please other people.  I am constantly trying to make other people happy.  I have been willing to stray so far from myself to gain the affection of others that I have made myself miserable.  I can't make everyone happy, believe me I have tried.  I have done nothing but disappoint people and worse of all stomped on my own spirit.  I see now what I am and what I need to do to come back to center.  I have to please myself and do what makes me happy.

I will always have a very tender heart.  I care deeply for the feelings of others.  I am also very outspoken with my feelings.  This will never change and believe me I've tried to change it.  I have resigned myself to this quality in myself and now see it as a great strength. 
I will always be an artist.  This is something I have also tried to change. How easy would it be to just toss it aside and be a librarian or a some other something or other.  It's not easy and I can't do it.  It comes back.  How many people would give a limb to be an artist of anykind.  I didn't want it for the longest and would have gladly given it up.  I can't do it.
I surrender.

This may sound all very dramatic and exagerated but I can tell you it's not.  I know other artists who feel the same.  It's a blessing and a curse.  The curse being the constant feeling of having to make people happy.  The constant feeling of not being good enough.  I have learned that to be truly successful these thoughts must be abandoned.  So, I surrender to it.  I have to, it's who I am.  I can't live without it and I'm not hanging out in my closet anymore.

I'm not going to make everyone happy.  I can't write, paint, draw or be what everyone else thinks.  I have to write, paint, draw and be myself.  My art may not suite you, it may not be what you think I should be.  My tender heart may break and I am prepared.  I am prepared for the first time in my life to take the good with the bad.  I will stop apologizing for not making everyone happy.  I will stop stepping outside myself to please the individual.  I am what I am and that's all that I am and what a wonderful am I am!

I'm Going To EXPLODE!

I can't find my camera.  It's cold.  My nose is runny.  Complain, moan, grumble! 
The only solace I am finding is here.  So, here I am.  I have nothing to say.  Nothing at all.  I have so much but nothing is finding it's way to the keyboard at the moment. 

I don't want to clean the house, AGAIN.  I don't want to do anything.  I want to be lazy.  I want to curl up in a ball and just dream the day away.
 I'm here to pretend like I"m being constructive. 

There, I did something today.

Spring is Gonna Sing!

Woke up to cotton candy skies this morning.  It was a beautiful sight, reminds me of spring.  I am shivering as I sit here to type this morning's thoughts, it's cold.  Seems this winter has been as cold as it possibly can be.   We've had more snow than I can ever remember too.  More snow is in store for us as well.  I could have sworn the weather man said this was gonna be a mild winter!  I can't help but dream of spring right now.

I am frustrated, I hate to say that but it's just a fact right now.  I'm frustrated because I want to go outside.  Ok, let me re-word that, I want to go outside and not shiver.  I want to go outside and dig in the dirt.  I want to go outside and feel warm sunshine on my face.  I want to go outside and eat a tomato straight off the vine.  I want to go outside and cut the grass.  Oh, spring, how I miss you.

I just love the smell of dirt and freshly cut grass.  I am one of those crazy people that actually loves to do yard work.  I live for digging in the dirt and getting all messy.  I love it!  My husband never has to mow our lawn, in fact, I absolutely forbid him to touch the yard.   Mine, mine, mine!  He really has no problem with it, if he could get me to do yard work in a bikini he might think he was in heaven.  Now, if I could just get him to clean the kitchen!

I suppose I should treasure this time of year, after all, without winter spring wouldn't sing.  The daffodils wouldn't wake up, the dogwood wouldn't bloom, the tulips wouldn't say hello.  Spring just wouldn't be the same.  I guess a good appreciation for every season is most fair.  The world goes round and why be miserable over something you have no control over?
      I still can't help but favor spring.   Spring please, please hurry!,

Good Morning

Oh, Hayden how I love you.
I woke to find you pouring syrup on the rug.
Why Hayden, Why are you pouring syrup on the living room rug?
"I'm hungry" 
Oh, Hayden!  You don't pour syrup on the rug, what were you thinking?
"I'm hungry"
Were you going to eat it off the rug?
"NO!"
Oh, Hayden.

Deep Thoughts

Yawn, I wake up and make myself a pot of coffee.  I gather together my morning supplies which include my coffee, of course, my laptop and my latest novel I've been savoring.  I check daily my e-mail and facebook to see what's happening in the world and the very first thing I see is a bible verse, I'll just keep it to myself.  Essentially, I am being told that I'm going to hell and when I do no one in my family will be able to save me.

Well, it literally wasn't for me but it was posted for everyone to see so, yeah, I guess it could apply to me.  Anger rose in me but subsided quickly and the rest of my day was spent pondering this thing called hell and the qualifications of being a member. 

Now, I am a deeply spiritual person and I have a very deep and personal relationship with God.  I am often confronted with judgment over how I choose to live and raise my children and I have written on the subject before but I've become more tender and accepting of how I'm viewed.  Let's just say it rolls off my back more easily now.
 I wouldn't say that I'm Christian; though, I'm not entirely opposed to the whole idea.  I lean more towards a Buddhist kind of thought; though, I'm not Buddhist.  My home is a mixture of Christian and Buddhist ideas and I sprinkle a bit of Taoism in there too. 

Anyway, this is how I feel in a nutshell and yeah, this is a reaction to that damning post I read and don't agree with at all.

When you know the true being of another,
You can judge -

And if you truly know the Tao
                you will be in the light.

It takes force to control people:
but if I am humble,  I can never be overcome.

If you know what you have is enough
you will be satisfied.

But if you think you don't have enough
then you will never have enough!

If you follow the Tao, what you are will last.

You will live, and live, and outlive yourself again.

~Tao Te Ching

The word Tao cannot be defined, it is everything and it is nothing.  It can mean the Way or the Path.  Here I'd like to think that it means Spiritual Path.  There are many Paths to spirit, every culture and religion has their own idea of it.
 I grew up in the Christian tradition and have a great love for the religion; however, I also see that no one religion has all the answers. It would be ignorant to think that only one religion will lead you to Spirit. I am blessed to see the truth in all religions.  Religion is the story of humanity and it belongs to everyone and it is all right.

Snow Day!

Ok, so I don't have any pictures of the kids.  Ok, so I didn't spend time with them while they played in the snow.  I pretty much put my ski's on and left the house on my own.  I even left a pizza in the oven and a sleeping husband in the bed. I took one look at the new fallen snow and left.

I can tell you that it was one of the best days I've ever had.  Granted, I wasn't skiing on a marvelous ski slope, it was in fact a road.  A road that is usually busy and dirty.  Yesterday, however, it was white and looked irresistibly clean.  It was busy but with sledders and hikers, photographers and snowboarders.  Children played in the streets without worry.  Fast traveling cars were no where to be seen.  Smiles from everyone and it truly was magical.

I spent the entire day skiing on a road.  My road, among my neighbors, friends and family.  It was awesome.  Everyday should be this awesome.  Everyday should be a snow day!  Well, maybe not with actual snow ;)

Thanks A Lot

Thanks a lot
Thanks for the sun in the sky.

Thanks a lot
Thanks for the clouds so high.

Thanks a lot
Thanks a lot for the whispering wind.
Thanks a lot
Thanks a lot for the birds in the spring.

Thanks for the animals, thanks for the land, thanks for the people everywhere.

Thanks a lot
Thanks for all I got.   
~ Raffi
Summer 2010, North Idaho