20 years ago having kids or even being married for that matter was something I simply was not interested in. I was more interested in hiding out in the basement of my parents house and painting. I also was quite dark and brooding. I had plenty of friends who were for the most part dark and brooding as well except for a few I pretty much kept to myself. I did have one friend who was normal and did a fine job at making me appear normal as well - she was my best friend.
I listened to the dark music of the day - NIN - and I preferred a solitary life at school. I was constantly in my head. I was constantly in my journal (considered myself a poet as well) and I was constantly painting or drawing. I had little time for friends and I didn't do the typical things girls my age did. I hated babysitting and I hated girly girl shit for the most part. I hung out with the boys in my neighborhood and we spent most of our time in the woods. Hiking, digging around in the creek picking the crayfish out. Mostly, I spent my days under a beech tree in the woods in my backyard dreaming.
Dreaming of my future life. My future solitary life. My future solitary life in a log cabin in a forest somewhere. Somewhere hidden and far away. I would paint my days away and live off the land and not worry about the people out there. I never wanted to get married and I certainly never wanted to have kids. I would be content - me and the trees.
I researched every plant, tree, animal, bug and living thing in the woods. I could tell you what was edible, what was deadly, what was what. I considered myself an expert of my backyard and I probably was. I never shared my knowledge with anyone but I had some grand plans and adventures all on my own and that 's the way I liked it.
What possessed me to marry and then to have kids and even more strange find myself baking barefoot and in the kitchen? What happened? Where did the dark go? Where did the poet go? Where did the solitary life of painting in my log cabin go? I can say it happened the day I met my husband. The day I found I was pregnant and the first time I made a banana muffin and it actually came out of the oven tasting good.
Thank God for good men. Thank God for children and thank God for food that tastes good.
I'm happy and Thank God I threw those dreams out the door the day I met Brandy! I give him all the credit. No worries - I keep his ego in check.
